Never Think
by bloodandvanity
Summary: What if Bella didn't jump off the cliff in New Moon but Edward decided to come back anyway. What would he come back to?
1. World Spins Madly on

**Never Think (Rob Pattinson)**

**Disclaimer: I** **don't own anybody but:** **All the chapter names are song titles I don't own them either of the lyrics that I'll sometimes use, they'll be in italics**

**AN: some will be in Edward's POV and other parts in Bella's but because of this you'll have to put up with some repeated parts. Sorry, I also apologise for the Edward bits, I'm a girl so its gonna be hard to get those bit right. R&R!**

_**You'll learn to hate me, but still you call me baby**_

**Chapter 1 – World spins madly on (The weepies)**

**Bella's POV**

_I thought of you and where you've gone_

I was standing at the cliff edge again. The dreams always started like this; the stormy sky above, the churning sea below and my conviction, my complete confidence that I would hear his voice soon, that it would sooth all my pain and fix my broken heart. So I jump, it's that easy, I push off with my legs and I'm flying, everything else melts away all I can see is his face in front of me, in perfect clarity. Funny isn't it that when I want to remember him I can only just see his eyes, but when he haunts me in my dreams everything is perfect, better than perfect, right up to the murderous fury depicted on his face like the first time I saw him in the Biology lab.

"I don't want you, can't you see that! I just put up with you, it was amusing but I'm bored now so I'm leaving! Hah! A clean break! It'll be as though I never existed!"

His sneering voice cuts into me like wires. I've somehow landed in the meadow and I'm sitting there broken and bleeding from the fall but numb. Then the pain comes, starting in my hand where I was bitten and it spreads until I'm burning alive from the pain and all I can hear is his voice whispering in my ears.

"Your pathetic, no-ones coming to save you, I don't know why I bothered to in the first place, remember the van? I should have let it finish you off, spare me the trouble, because you see…I never loved you!"

And then I finally wake up screaming, wishing it wasn't true that the words weren't still echoing in my brain those four words that slowly kill me each night leaving unfeeling and dead to the rest of the world.

But I still get up, dress, eat, go to school, go to work, go home, eat, go to bed, and at the weekends I see Jacob. The sweet boy who is trying to piece me back together and would almost succeed if it wasn't for the dreams. It had been 6 months but the dreams never ceased and secretly I'm glad! Masochistic aren't I, but I can still see his face, hear his voice and for a moment just a moment it's all OK and it makes me wonder about that day at the cliff; while I was waiting for Jacob, was I going to kill myself? But I'll never know. Jake had come before I'd jumped and we'd spent the rest of the day messing around on the beach. I stopped my extreme sports kick there and then, I'd scared myself. Of course I still use my bike, I love it, the pure speed and power were my last waking connection to him. I can't lose that…ever.

_I woke up and wished that I was dead_

**Edward POV **

Her eyes watched and judged him silently from the darkness so I did the same thing that I did every night, I crawled up into a foetal position and stayed still letting the memories crash over me in waves, silently taking the pain. You deserve it, how could you leave me? Say her eyes and so I repeat her name in my mind, my mantra to distract myself _Bella…Bella…Bella _from the loss of her. The eyes were right, I do deserve, I pushed her away so I'll deal with the consequences, but I did it for her, to protect her from the one monster that was left…me.

_I stand still and the world spins madly on_

_**Save your soul, save your soul before its too far gone**_

**REVIEWS ARE LOVE! R&R!**


	2. Slept so long

**Disclaimer: I** **don't own anybody,** **All the chapter names are song titles I don't own them either of the lyrics that I'll sometimes use, they'll be in italics**

**AN: Sorry it's short but when writing i thought this was as long as it should be.**

**Chapter 2 –Slept so long (Jay Gordon)**

**Edward POV**

_Touching you makes me feel alive_

I had frozen, right there, next to my car while filling it up at the gas station, staring at the figure that had just appeared across the street. Her dark hair cascaded over eyes obscuring them from my sight and just as the girl tripped on the sidewalk I died inside. I know it's not her and that she's at home in Forks, living her life as normally as possible but I just can do it anymore. I am an entirely selfish creature; I want her so I will have her, I'm strong enough, I cold never hurt her, our time apart has just solidified that fact in my mind. So I walked into the gas station, paid and sped off towards Forks and the girl that I love. Please let her forgive me, please let her to have not moved on and if she has I shall win her back, I can't exist without her.

_Touching you makes me die inside_

**Bella POV**

I stumbled into class, tripping over my own boots as usual but I was late today, no stupid shiny Volvo coming to my rescue anymore, so I take my seat at the back of the class and get out my notes. I don't even know what class we're in, lately my body has been on auto pilot, going to classes and copying out notes without realising what I'm doing, the one thing that I truly concentrate on or find any joy in are my sketches. I had got into art after I stopped my extreme sports it allowed me to remember him more clearly and I loved it but I was a complete accident. About 2 months after the cliff I'd forgotten my jacket at school and so gone back to retrieve it completely oblivious to the art class that was going on when I walked in the door. As a punishment for disturbing the class the teacher made me stay and "draw what is the most important thing in my life" so I had, I sat down and zoned out my pencil moving by itself and slowly forming, tousled hair, intense eyes, perfect features and a crooked smile. At the end of the class the teacher came to look at my work and loved it, he gushed that I had a natural talent and should continue coming to the class. His only criticism was that the shading under the eyes was too dark and on the skin it was too light making the figure seam almost vampiric. Since then I've continued to draw, my one spark of light in this living death that I have.

_I've slept so long without you, it's tearing me apart to_


	3. Far Away

**Disclaimer: I own nobody but the titles of the chapters are all songs and all lyrics taken from songs are in italics. **

**AN: Because the other chapter was so short i decided to give you guys the next chapter so here it is.**

**Please review!**

**Chapter 3 – Far Away (Nickleback)**

**Edward POV**

_I've missed you from far away for far too long_

Everything outside the window is a blur but everything ahead is in complete clarity, I will see her soon and my angel will heal my shattered soul, if I have one that is. I continue to get closer and closer until the mocking sign appears "Welcome to Forks" and I'm finally here. Although its midnight and there's no one around my mind is buzzing with the sleeping thoughts of the townspeople but I am only interested in the one voice silent to my mind. It takes all of my strength not to attempt to see her, she's asleep and I'm thirsty from the long journey so I return to my home.

The door is strangely unlocked even though we had made sure to lock the door when we'd left. I walk through the house and everything as is as we' left it but there it was the faint floral trail of Bella, she had been here, walked through the house and up the stairs to my room. The covers had been removed from my furniture, it looked as though she'd been searching for something as it had all been shifted slightly but I wasn't concentrating on that to me the fact that she had been her was the beginning of my redemption, she had sought me out therefore she still wanted me and that was all that I needed, with that I rushed from the house and suddenly appeared in front of hers ready to apologise, beg for my forgiveness and let her eyes sooth my troubles. But as soon as I saw the closed window clarity returned to my mind, just because she'd been to the house didn't mean that she loved me, she could have left something there and was looking for it; so I'll stick to my original plan, I'll watch her life, observe her new human existence and if she seams to not need me I shall leave her alone, no contact but I'm not sure I'd be able to stay away from her completely, but if she still loves me then I shall go to her and never leave her side again. So I leave and return home to start my creepy vampire stalking again tomorrow.

_On my knees I'll ask last chance for one last dance_

**Bella POV**

When I woke from my dream today, something was different, lighter, as though a part of me had returned, not a huge part as I had still woken screaming, the world was still dull and the numbness still squirmed in my chest but still there was something.

_I need to here you say: I love you; I've loved you all along_

_**AN: Hoped you liked it! R&R**_


	4. Somewhere only we know

**Disclaimer: I** **don't own anybody, all the chapter names are song titles I don't own them either of the lyrics that I'll sometimes use, they'll be in italics**

**Chapter 4 – Somewhere only we know (Keane) **

**Bella POV**

_Sat by the river and it made me complete_

It's Thursday, the one day that is marginally better than the rest, I've just finished my class but today we have an extra assignment "Where do you feel safe" so I hiked to the small clearing I had discovered while looking for the meadow with minimal injury. It wasn't the same but it was close enough so I sat an sketched, minutes stretched into hours and a calm washed over me, I was almost happy.

After a while I began to feel as though I was being watched and in peripheral vision I thought I saw a blur, like something had moved impossibly fast to the left of me in the forest but I dismissed it. The only thing I had ever seen move that fast was him, and he was never coming back.

_Oh simple thing where have you gone_

**Edward POV**

She'd found it, the meadow, she'd found it all by herself and she was sitting there drawing looking well happy. What did it mean? Does she still love me? Is she here to remember me? What is she drawing? So I ran round to the left of her so that I was standing behind her to look over her shoulder. But she looked up and to the left as though she had seen something, seen me, but she dismissed it as a trick of the light and I wasn't sure if I was relieved or not. If she knew it was me then I could stop analysing her every action to death but if she didn't then I can still delude myself into thinking that she cares even if she doesn't.

But at this moment she was perfect, her dark hair was blowing in the light breeze, it was longer than when I had left, more unruly but I liked it, the sunlight filtering through the trees caught the red highlights making it look as though it was glowing ethereally. Her warm chocolate eyes were focused on the page before her but the spark that had been missing from her day that I had observed had returned, I was definitely relieved at this, as I had watched her I had noticed that she no longer made eye contact with anyone and only spoke when she was asked a direct question, it was as though she was trying to disappear. I then became distracted by the page, the drawing was truly breath taking and I had never known that she could draw, how could I not, I had been too busy trying to distract her from the fact that I am a monster that I failed to notice how she is an angel. How could I have let her go?

_Is this the place we used to love? Is this the place I've been dreaming of?_

**R&R!!!!**


	5. Freak on a leash

**Disclaimer: I** **don't own anybody, all the chapter names are song titles I don't own them either of the lyrics that I'll sometimes use, they'll be in italics**

**Chapter 5 – Freak on a Leash (Korn)**

**Edward POV**

_Every time I start to believe_

I still felt that I shouldn't watch her at night, I had lost that right when I had abandoned her so I returned to my home and once again analysed her every phrase and action to death looking for some hidden meaning that she still loved me.

After my usual night of restraining myself from going to see her the morning finally appeared and I was immediately at her house just in the edges of the woodland always waiting, watching and listening.

"Bella, how did you sleep?"

"Same as usual,"

"Bells, I'm worried about you, it's not healthy,"  
"Dad, I'm fine, don't worry, Ok, now I'm late for school so I'll see you later, bye Dad,"

I followed her to school as usual and mulled over what I had heard, she's not sleeping, it explains the slightly drawn look, but why? Why isn't she sleeping? For a whole day I couldn't draw a single conclusion, so I filed it away in my mind as one of the many questions I would ask her when we were back in each others arms, as I had almost concluded that she had not moved on, I had decided that there seemed to be no new boy and that the depression that she had slipped into was a cause of my leaving for there was no other obvious cause.

Her school day continued like normal and was completely uneventful, but I didn't mind I was still able to watch her and plan how I would beg for my forgiveness. At the end of the day I was fully prepared, I would wait for her to go up to her room and start her homework as usual and then I would come to the window and perform the speech I had fashioned during the time I had spent watching her. But instead of going to her truck as usual Bella walked to the entrance of the school and waited, I was confused but the reason appeared soon. A tall boy on a motorbike appeared and stopped directly in front of her and she smiled, a real smile, something I hadn't seen in my two days of watching her. She playfully hit the boy and laughed, I didn't know what they were saying though my head was too full of rage and jealousy. I'd lost her…but I still followed her, I wanted to find out all about this boy and tear his head from his shoulders, when I smelt it, the nose burning stench of a werewolf, I almost lost it there and then. How could she stand to be with someone who may or not try to kill her? It took a moment for the irony of that statement to sink in and when it did I let out a bitter laugh. So much for not being over me.

After a short conversation Bella got on the back of the bike wrapping her arms about the boy's waist and they sped off towards the reservation. I rushed after them my anger growing with every step, but I stopped at the treaty line although I really wanted to cross it, I knew better than to start a war. But god did I want to; instead I paced waiting for her return.

_Feeling like a freak on a leash_

**Bella POV**

Strangely the light feeling that I had had for the last two days disappeared as soon as I entered the reservation with Jacob. As though being with him was wrong and that I had left some vital part of myself back in Forks. But I soon forgot it, I was finally gonna be able to ride my bike again, I was a lot better now, I hadn't fallen in over a month and today I was finally going to tell Charlie about it. I felt bad about sneaking around behind his back, and if I tell him straight out he probably not kill me as much. So I was going to ride it back to the school, get Jake to help me load it into the truck, and then drive back home. We spent a while hanging with the rest of the pack, Paul lost his temper twice but I was used to that now, in fact I'd started to join in with the playful teasing that the others gave him, it was a family, not unlike… After those thoughts assailed me though I quieted and attempted to fade into the background for if they didn't know if I was there then I couldn't force them to leave. Soon it was time for me to go back home.

As soon as we were back in Forks the light feeling returned. We loaded the bike easily and Jake decided to drive home with me to soften to the blow for Charlie. As we drove home I tried not to think of him, but it was impossible, everything reminded me of him but I could leave because I didn't want to forget, the regular catch-22.

_Sometimes I cannot take this place_

**Edward POV**

A motorbike…she rides a motorbike, when did this start? My freak out was kept safely in my head as they both drove in Bella's truck back to the house with the bikes loaded in the back. Bella seamed to be nervous and I surmised that they we're going to tell Charlie about it now. I wondered what else they were going to tell him…about there little relationship? Or hopefully a lack of one. Then and there I decided to watch Bella sleeping, it was when she was most open, I needed to know, does she dream of the Black boy?

_Something takes a part of me; you and I were meant to be_

**R&R!!!**


	6. Haunted

**Disclaimer: I dont own anything, the chapter titles are all songs and all names are in _italics _**

**Chapter 6 –Haunted (Evanescence)**

**Edward POV**

_Long lost words whisper slowly, to me_

She lay there, so close I could touch her but that was definitely forbidden. I was violating everything by just being in the room but I needed to know whether I had lost her. All she muttered over and over again was "no, please no" as she tossed and turned with obvious distress. I wanted to wake her, to comfort her and fight off whatever monster plagued her subconscious but I was powerless to stop it. Every moment I watched tore my heart a little more until it happened.

All of a sudden she sat straight up screaming, eyes wide open with terror and anguish staring right at me as I stood there staring right back. I could think of nothing to do so I took her and whispered "sleep now my love" and she did. Her gaze softened as she whispered back "Ok" and she was soon asleep again, but the look in her eyes was seared into my brain as I climbed out of the window and ran back to home.

_Your heart pounding in my head_

**Bella POV**

It had changed. The dream that had clawed away at my patched soul had changed for the better.

It had seemed was though I had woken screaming again but he was there, and he comforted me. There was no sneering tone, no anger or disgust but kindness, comfort…maybe even love. My angel in my memories was back to fight the demon in my dreams.

_Watching me_

**R&R!!!**


	7. Hate Me

**Disclaimer: I** **don't own anybody, all the chapter names are song titles I don't own them either of the lyrics that I'll sometimes use, they'll be in italics**

**Chapter 7 – Hate Me (Blue October)**

**Edward POV**

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

I was liberated and destroyed at the same time, she had seen me and there had been no hate in her eyes, no urge to push me away, but the dream had alarmed me. What had caused her that much pain? Obviously no-one but her knew Charlie questioned her health, the pup didn't notice and her friends…well she didn't talk to them enough for them to care either.

I didn't follow her that day; I needed to work on my plan to achieve my redemption but her expression from last night haunted me so I needed a distraction. I couldn't hunt; I was too agitated to bother so I decided I needed to be reminded of the old Bella.

Breaking another promise to myself I climbed through her window and found the loose floorboard where I had hidden her memories and lost myself in my own. The love and happiness that I found there caused me to disregard the fact that the day had worn on and that Bella would soon be back from her Saturday job so when I heard the door slam and the clumsy thumping noises of her climbing up the stairs I hurriedly returned the ephemera to their hideaway and dived out of the window for cover.

_It was I who made mistakes_

**Bella POV**

I arrived home earlier than usual that day as Charlie had somehow agreed to me using the bike. The ride home had been exhilarating and I was actually looking forward to the essay I had been set for Monday when after going into my room I tripped and was forced to grab onto the windowsill of my open widow. Open window? I couldn't remember opening it since he had left but I son forgot about that when I saw the reason I had been sent flying. One of my floorboards was slightly out of place, sticking up to show a gap and a multitude of paper and objects stuffed underneath it. I investigated, lifting the floorboard and rifling through the things I had found there and soon I felt a warm liquid making its way down my cheeks. After lifting my hands to discover what it was I realised they were tears. So I let them fall, I let the tears that I had been holding in for the last 6 months finally fall. I sat there leaning against the wall crying away all the pain, loneliness and despair exhausting myself in the process. Crawling to my bed I managed to kick of my boots and with tears still falling from my eyes I curled up and drifted off into oblivion.

_I have to block out thoughts of you so I can keep my head_

**Edward POV**

_An ounce of peace is all I want for you_

I sat there stroking her hair as she slept. I felt disgusted with myself for causing her so much pain. I shouldn't have been so careless, I should have replaced the floorboard properly, because of my haste not to be seen I had triggered he collapse. Should I have come back? Would she have gotten better with time? I was analysing the situation so much that I almost missed the fact that Bella had opened her eyes.

_She whispered: how could you do this to me?_

**AN: Just to clarify she doesn't actually say that last line, that's just a lyric from the song and I felt that it fit in there sorry for any misinterpretation. Also sorry I didn't write the Charlie Bella conversation about the bike but I want this to focus really on the feelings that Edward and Bella have for each other.**

**R&R!!!**


	8. Iris

**Disclaimer: I** **don't own anybody, all the chapter names are song titles I don't own them either of the lyrics that I'll sometimes use, they'll be in italics**

**Chapter 8 – Iris (The Goo Goo Dolls)**

**Bella POV**

_All I can taste is this moment_

He was there again. This time sitting on my bed so I decided that as this was a dream I would get some answers even if was just my subconscious making them up at least I would have a little peace of mind. I didn't fully understand why the dreams had changed but I didn't really care.

"Hi," I whispered

He then gave me a puzzled look as though he couldn't comprehend why I was greeting him but eventually he said "Hi," back.

I couldn't think of what to say after that. What do you say to your vampire ex-boyfriend who had randomly turned up in your dreams comforting you when for the last 6 months he had only appeared as nightmares telling you that he didn't want you and now he seemed to love you? I was slightly confused.

_I just don't want to miss you tonight _

**Edward POV**

_I just want you to know who I am_

She whispered "Hi", why did she do that? Only an hour ago I had seen her completely fall apart by looking at a photo of me and I realised maybe she thought I was a dream, or a continuation of those nightmares she's been having. So I replied "Hi," by uttering that one word I had formed a completely new plan to discover her feelings. I will come to her in her "dreams" every night therefore keeping contact with her and I'll be able to ask her questions about her life and her feelings, if she admits that I haven't lost her then I shall come to her during the day and beg for forgiveness but if I have then I can leave her and there won't be any pain for her. For I do wish for her to be happy despite my every action up to this point I've wanted her to be happy.

_You're the closet to heaven that I'll ever be _

**R&R!!!**


	9. Broken Promises

**Disclaimer: I** **don't own anybody, all the chapter names are song titles I don't own them either of the lyrics that I'll sometimes use, they'll be in italics**

**Chapter 9 – Broken Promises (Element Eighty)**

**Edward POV**

_It was a feeling I have never shown_

It had been two weeks since I had started appearing in her dreams and I could see her slowly beginning to heal. Maybe I was wrong, a clean break was too harsh to dramatic, maybe all she needed was a gradual transition. But every night I was with her the harder it became for me to leave and I hoped that it was becoming harder for her to let me go, but I couldn't be sure for ever time I got onto the subject of our feelings she managed to change the subject. Maybe she was not yet ready to trust me or, she was letting me down gently. She still went to see the Black boy at the weekends but so far she had never said his name in her sleep and in our conversations she had only ever said that he was a "good friend". However she had opened up to me about other things, like the art and the motorbike, they were both for me. Although I didn't totally agree with the motorbike I liked that it was for me, that she was trying to remember me but still she wasn't completely open, like why it reminds her of me, she just mumbled something about a voice and a cliff. Also the dreams, she never told me about the dreams, maybe I had lost her because before she told me everything, even when I didn't want to hear it. I was going to leave it another week, to make her open up more and then present her with my speech. But the Black boy had to interfere; Bella had gone to see him like she did every Friday afternoon I had waited at the house because pacing at the boarder only increased my irritation and worry. For some reason "Jake" had driven Bella back in his car (if that's what you'd call it) maybe there was a problem with the truck – Bella only drove the bike at the weekends during the week the truck was more practical, I was thinking that I was going to ask her about it that night when I heard the pup ask "Bella, would you like to have dinner with me next Friday? Like at a restaurant?" his nerves were evident in his voice. With one word my world fell apart in a moment "Sure." My angel had agreed to go on a date with this undeserving little dog. My rage was so great in that one moment that I had to take it out on something and that object happened to be a small tree that I was standing next to. My fist collided with it, emitting a huge crack, sending the birds for in a mile radius into flight, but I didn't care, I had lost, I would see her once more that night and then I would leave. The pain in my heart was too great, I should have never returned.

_And now we're left with broken promises_

**Bella POV**

I had no idea what to do. Jake asked me out, what was I supposed to say, Jake if you'd asked me 2 weeks ago I might have said Yes but now I'm completely in love with my ex-boyfriend who visits me in my dreams so now I have to say No because somehow it would be like I was cheating on him and my feelings for you aren't really that way anymore? So my mouth took over and said "Sure." WHAT!?! My head screamed at that very moment HOW COULD YOU! WHAT ABOUT YOU KNOW WHO! HELLO!!! So a mumbled something about needing to do homework and ran into the house and into the sanctuary of my room. But there was still that little voice in the back of my mind that said "Maybe this is a good thing, I mean Edward left, he's not coming back, he doesn't love you so why not go out with Jacob, maybe it's time to get over him…"

_I have been so alone_

**AN: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!! Don't kill me! But I just feel that this is where the story is heading I am in no way an Edward hater. In fact I love him so much it should be illegal, I secretly hate Jacob for getting in the way of them all through New Moon and Eclipse but you've got to understand that Edward really hurt Bella when he left, that's also why she only refers to him as him and you know who (she doesn't mean Lord Voldemort but that would be funny). But don't worry there is still more to come.**

**R&R!!!**


	10. Angels

**Disclaimer: I** **don't own anybody, all the chapter names are song titles I don't own them either of the lyrics that I'll sometimes use, and they'll be in italics**

**Chapter 10 –Angels (Within Temptation)**

**Bella POV**

_You took my heart_

I sat on my bed sketching him trying to remember every single detail and willing it to come to life as I drew. After I had finished I just stared at it, trying to imagine it was really him and to explain to him everything I was feeling and why I had betrayed him but all I came out with was "I still look for you, but I know you're not coming…"

_I still remember the smile when you tore me apart_

**Edward POV**

"I still look for you but I know you're not coming" the words tore at my insides. I had been watching her from the widow as she sketched, waiting for nightfall and my final night with her to say goodbye. "I still look for you but I know you're not coming" she still loved me but thought that I didn't love her, that's why she agreed to that Black boy and why she never told me how she felt in our conversations in her dreams. "I still look for you but I know you're not coming" I had hurt her. She had loved me and I had forsaken that love, I truly was the monster that I thought I was and she was my only salvation "I still look for you but I know you're not coming" I was going to beg for redemption, I was going to show her that I really do love her, I love her with all my heart. So I climbed through the window with those words still running through my head, I cleared my throat and said "Bella"

_Sparkling angel I believe you are my saviour in my time of need_

**Bella POV**

I was so absorbed in my own thoughts that I didn't notice him climbing through the window. So when he coughed I jumped forcing me to look up. That's when my heart stopped and the rest of the world ceased to exist.

_Fallen angel what is the reason, the thought in your eyes_

**AN: Sorry its short I'm right in the middle of exams but I wanted to give you something also I apologise for the cliff hanger I just couldn't help it.**

**R&R!!!**


	11. Bullet with Butterfly Wings

**Disclaimer: I** **don't own anybody, all the chapter names are song titles I don't own them either of the lyrics that I'll sometimes use, and they'll be in italics**

**AN: I am so, so, so sorry that it has been so long but I am in the middle of exams and am slowly killing myself with revision...BUT...because im not good at school and revision just isnt interesting I MANAGED TO FINISH! YAY! SO.....i will put up the last 4 chapters...NOW! :)**

**Chapter 11 –Bullet with Butterfly Wings (Smashing Pumpkins)**

**Bella POV**

_Can you fake it for just one more show?_

"Bella," he repeated. I couldn't blink; my eyes were glued to his presence. Maybe I had gone crazy, maybe it was time to jump off the cliff and end this. I willed my heart to restart but I could only feel it stuck in my throat. He shuffled slightly and my eyes shot to his feet and then back to his face. I felt the tears welling up behind the shield I thought I had built.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, my voice breaking as I tried to replace the mask. He didn't reply. I forced myself to repeat my question. Finally he whispered something so slow that I strained to hear it.

"I love you," he said more forcefully. Now it was my turn to stay silent. "Bella?" he asked after what seemed hours. A single tear rolled down my face.

"What do you mean?" I asked slowly. Maybe I had progressed to full blown delusions now.

"I mean I was a monster and should never have left you, ever. I'm sorry." The last two words stayed in the air like stagnant water. "I love you," he said again, "you are my angel and I beg for my salvation." My imaginary Edward was very eloquent and the randomness of that thought awoke me from my stupor.

"Edward?" I whispered. It was the first time I had said his name in six months, two weeks, three days and twenty one hours. Another tear ran down my cheek.

"Yes, my love?" he stepped forwards about to wipe the tear from my face but he hesitated at the last second.

"Don't touch me, please." If he were to touch me I would shatter and I needed to be together for when he left me again. A day that would inevitably come,

A flicker of hurt flashed through his eyes, but maybe that was just wishful thinking. "The day I left, I committed such sacrilege that the heavens will weep for eternity." I had forgotten how religious he could be sometimes. This only confirmed that it was really him standing before him, but I needed to be sure.

"Are you really here?" I asked slowly.

"Yes. I promise. And I will be for as long as you want." He said it with as much meaning as he could possibly force into the sentence and truth burned in his eyes as if I could see into his very soul. I believed him but I couldn't trust myself to be with him because of the way I had been after he left. I was so empty and I couldn't be like that again and not just for myself but for Charlie.

"Edward," it felt good to say his name, "I nearly jumped off a cliff because of you." I said it as if we were discussing the weather. He couldn't stop himself this time and sat next to me on the bed. I could sense his closeness and this was enough for the tears to come. I cried into him soaking his shirt, my shirt and the bed. Six months worth of tears fell. His arms wrapped around me.

"How could you leave?" I sobbed. "You kept saying I was your life; how could you treat it with such disregard? What about my life? Did you ever stop to think about that?" I cried harder now. "And what happens when you get 'bored again'? I can't go through that again." I tried to recover but failed, through the endless tears I spoke, "I need you to leave for a while so that I make sure that the scars can heal." His eyes spoke a thousand questions so I answered the most pressing "It was easier to never think of you, I couldn't let myself fall apart every time I thought of your name so I don't know how I feel, just give me time…" I think he understood or at least tried to so he rose from the bed and said "Sweet dreams, my love" as he left the way he came in, through the window.

_What do I get for my pain?_

**Edward POV**

_Tell me I'm the chosen one; tell there's no other one_

"Bella," I repeated. At the sight of her repressed tears my speech died on my lips. The joy I felt that she finally knew I was here filled me completely.

"What are you doing here?" She asked her voice wavering. My earlier hope left as quickly as it had arrived, did she not want me here, but she had said… I whispered "because I love you…" The confused expression on her face showed that she had not heard me so I repeated myself more forcefully as I knew I had to convince her if I was to exist another day. "I love you," She was silent, stock still, as though she was an alabaster doll of the woman I loved until a single tear rolled down her perfect cheek.

"What do you mean?" she asked with an incredulous expression

"I mean I was a monster and should never have left you, ever. I'm sorry." How weak I sounded "I'm sorry" they were pathetic, unable to encompass the remorse and guilt that I felt for hurting her so, I needed to strengthen my apology somehow. "I love you," as though that excused me, "you are my angel and I beg for my salvation." Somehow this convinced her to reply

"Edward?" she whispered as another tear rolled down her perfect cheek. She had said my name for the first time in the two and a half weeks that I had been here. Even in her dreams when I visited her, she had never said my name, in that moment my love for her, and my conviction that I had to win her back only grew.

"Yes, my love?" I replied, walking forward in an attempt to wipe the tears from her eyes, to wrap her up in my arms and protect her from the hurt of the outside world, myself included. But I was refused.

"Don't touch me, please." The words tore at me, burning and laughing and my every paranoia returned. Was she scared of me now, after all this time? Had I hurt her too badly, had my return reminded her of this fact? I tried to prevent the hurt from showing in my eyes but it took all of my resolve.

"The day I left, I committed such sacrilege that the heavens will weep for eternity." The pain that I felt had caused me to revert back to my roots, almost laughed at myself, why would the heavens weep for a soulless monster like me? One who had harmed one of their most precious positions? They would sooner smite me than weep for me.

"Are you really here?" I suppose I deserved that, after visiting her in her dreams how was she to know what was real anymore.

"Yes. I promise. And I will be for as long as you want." I put every ounce of truth into that one statement, willing her to see the truth and once again wishing that I could read her mind to see whether she had believed me.

"Edward," Once again she said my name and once again my hope swelled "I nearly jumped off a cliff because of you." I was shocked. She had never told me this, ever. I finally understood, I always thought that because she was human that her love paled in comparison to mine, but maybe the situation was reversed. With his I broke my silent promise not to touch her I had to hold her, to feel that love, even if it was for a single moment. I held her and she cried. Her sobs wracked her as though she was literally shattering in my arms. But I just held her and let her cry. And as she cried she gave her own speech, one that crushed my heart with every statement.

"How could you leave?" The hurt and anger pierced my heart with a burning agony that put The Change to shame. "You kept saying I was your life; how could you treat it with such disregard? What about my life? Did you ever stop to think about that?" The irony of those questions was that I had left for her, to protect her, for her to be happy, how naive I had been, I was going to explain that to her but she continued. "And what happens when you get 'bored again'? I can't go through that again." The lie I had told came back to haunt me and I wept silently while she recovered herself. "I need you to leave for a while so that I make sure that the scars can heal." This perplexed me, how did she not know how she felt? Every moment I saw her love for me. But maybe she didn't want to love me, was she to deny our love and cast me aside. Had I hurt her that badly? Her answer placated me slightly.

"It was easier to never think of you, I couldn't let myself fall apart every time I thought of your name so I don't know how I feel, just give me time…" It was down to her, I had always told myself that I would never force her into anything as it was a miracle that she loved me at all, so I agreed to her terms but I knew that I would be there that night, even if she didn't want me, I needed one moment of selfishness. I rose and walked to the window as left I said "Sweet dreams, my love" assuring her that I would be there, even if she didn't yet fully understand.

_I still believe that I can not be saved_

**R&R!!!**


	12. Please let me get what I want

**Disclaimer: I** **don't own anybody, all the chapter names are song titles I don't own them either of the lyrics that I'll sometimes use, and they'll be in italics**

**Chapter 12 – Please, please, please let me get what I want (The Smiths)**

**Bella POV**

_Good times for a change_

Love…why does it have to hurt, it's meant to be healing, we're meant to be able to feel love so that we can't even live without that person. Why didn't I just die when he left? Why couldn't I have done that one thing in self preservation? Now…now I'm being frayed even more, my love has come back with a vengeance and it is a stake through what is left of my heart. I still love him; I could never stop. But even when he comforts me in my dreams I die inside because even in my dreams he has to leave, and every morning I'm stuck with the same feeling as when he left the first time. I can't go through that again, in real life and not just in the figments that my subconscious cooks up to silently torture me. But I still cant live without him, I did die…that day on the cliff…I did throw my self off…I threw my old self…that person died and I became this doll, I have feelings, interests, hobbies, friends, maybe even an attraction. But I'm not me; I am just a mask, for even though he believed it was a clean break there was no closure not admittance in my mind that I was completely over him, that I could live without him. Maybe I needed his re-entry into my life to realise that I can love him and leave him, as he did to me. But still what will I choose? This mental ping-pong continued endlessly listing the pros and cons, the hurt and happiness, the love and lies and I realised that I needed space, distance from the situation for in Forks it constantly weighed down on me, constricting me, pressuring and strangling me until I could not longer take it. I ran outside after leaving Charlie a note about visiting mum, I got on my bike and I just rode…the wind, the landscape, the sky and my internal screaming to keep me company…finally at peace…but still…we need an answer…

_See the luck I've had could make a good man bad_

**Edward POV**

_For once in my life let me get what I want_

I was waiting for her to fall asleep, to be able to hold her again to convince her to take me back while her tears still burned into my skin, a permanent scar on my psyche. But she was pacing for a good two hours after I "left" until she ran, she just ran after scribbling something on a piece of paper. She flew out of her room, down the stairs, out the door and she jumped onto her bike. She actually vaulted onto it her speed and grace astounded me, she was beautiful. But I was worried was she going to the reservation, had she made her choice was I damned. She just rode and I followed, out of Forks and into the distance…I still needed an answer…

_Lord knows it would be the first time_

**R&R!!!**


	13. Chasing after the Sun

**Disclaimer: I dont own anything**

**All song lyrics are in italics and the chapter title is a song title. I have given all credit where due.**

**Chapter 13 –Chasing after the sun (The Rushing)**

**Bella POV**

_It's not crazy to me_

The tears streamed, the curses screamed, the voices wailed and I was silent. As silent as blurred hills that I passed on my journey to nowhere. I had been riding for hours, the sky had darkened and was now lightening again and still I was no closer to an answer. I just let the wind roar in my ears and the tears roll down my face my thoughts miles away contemplating love, life and lies and I had a sudden yearning to lie in the sun and let its rays dissolve my worries and unlock my answer from my heart.

_I just want you all to know I won't give up, I won't let go_

**Edward POV**

_Memories that I've dreamed about_**  
**

Where was she going? There seamed to be no obvious course but straight on towards the horizon. But I knew that as long as she was moving I would be following, I would get my answer, even if she is to push me away I would always be there, for she is my guiding light, my comet, my sun to orbit through adoration and to bask in her brilliance and warmth.

_Chasing after the sun_

**R & R**


	14. Endlessly

**Disclaimer: I own nothing as per usual.**

**Sorry if i got the quote wrong, i dont have the book with me -- i know, a terrible, terrible sin!**

**Please review and tell me what you think becuase i really like to hear what you guys have to say about my writing so please, please take the time! Thanks! This is my first completed fan fic ever, i hoped you guys liked it and i will see you soon with another...a funny one maybe!**

**Chapter 14 – Endlessly (Muse)**

**Bella POV**

_Cherished dreams, forever asleep_

I lay there letting the warmth permeate my very being, revitalising my battered soul and restoring my faltering heart. I was about a mile from Phoenix on my favourite plateau that I always used to come to read upon ever since I was a child and my mum brought me here for picnics. Through my nostalgia I realised that I had done the same as I did when I was a child whenever I hurt myself. Cry and then run home to cry some more, but I was grown now and the pain wasn't physical, I couldn't put a Scooby-Doo plaster on it and ask Mum to kiss it better, I had to overcome it myself and confront the cause, not run away like I was doing now.

I lay there for a while more, sketching the scene that lay before me as the sun dipped below the horizon. I welcomed the cold that always came during the night here and stared at the stars recalling something that I had once said to Edward _"I like the night because then you can see the stars" _That one statement that I had voiced so long ago it seemed displayed the whole struggle with in my heart. Edward had left so I could "be human" and embrace the sun and the day, but I hadn't, I had stayed in Forks unable to leave his sunless existence. Through all the hurt and pain I loved him, he was the night to my day and I needed him.

_Hopelessly, I'll love you endlessly_

**Edward POV**

_But the moment never comes_

I stood in the shade in the plateau watching as she lay there, the red in her hair truly apparent in the sun. I wondered what she was thinking, why she had come here and whether she was ever going to answer be or if this was in itself an answer maybe she hated me so much that I even drove her from her home. As the night set in I saw she was drawing again, how could she be calm enough to do that when I was close to screaming in frustration due to her lack of an answer. I decided to get closer I was almost right behind her when I heard her whisper "I love you, Edward". I froze, I stopped breathing, I stopped thinking as soon as I heard the words I was dying to hear. She loved me… my world was complete, my comet had returned and I was whole.

I needed to hold her, to assure myself that it was true, so I picked her up and spun her round laughing and exclaiming to the heavens that I would never leave my angel again, I was hers alone and even if God himself command me I would never stop loving her only she could demand that of me and it would be the only request that I wouldn't fulfil. She weaved her arms around my neck and we shared the most passionate kiss that I could ever imagine. I didn't need a soul for I had a heart and it belonged to her.

_I won't give you up, I won't let you down_

_**Oh please I'm in love, I'm in love**_

**AN: I recommend all the songs and hope you enjoyed my take on the Twilight Saga, This is my first completed one so as ever: READ AND REVIEW! **

**THE END**


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